All The Right Moves

Hi everyone!!  I know that I haven't updated in while but I felt that for myself I needed a break from the "cancer world".  So I decided to focus all of my time that I wasn't in treatment on my life and ignore the fact that I had cancer.  I know, easier said than done, but that last two months or so have been great.  I have spent some great time with my family and friends just enjoying and living life.  

I will start out by saying that at the beginning of June I had my first set scans since treatment has started and we have made small steps in the right direction.  The chemo is working and has shrunk two of the three tumors I have.  The third tumor has stayed stable and shows no growth.  YAY!!!  This was the best possible news that we could have hoped for, considering I was preparing myself to hear that the chemo wasn't working and that I had only three weeks to live.  I kept telling myself that if I was prepared and ready to hear that previous statement any news better than that would be amazing.  I know that sounds sick and twisted, but I cannot even begin to tell you some of the things that go through a cancer patient's head around scan time.  I am just happy that I can report to everyone that we are moving in the right direction in beating this nasty "c" word!!!

We have been able to do a lot of things as a family over these last two months.  It has been a great change of pace in our household, we don't really put to much off now a days.  If there is something going on that we want to do, we do it.  Liam got to meet his favorite character in the whole world (for the moment at least), Daniel Tiger.  I have never seen this kid so excited, he didn't want to stop hugging him.  I guess it was worth it that Sadie and I stood in line for an hour to be the first to meet him.

There have been lots of brother and sister bonding time as well.  Liam really likes being a big brother and he is paying a little more attention to his sister now that she is making noise and moving around a little.

We have also been super busy planning our first family trip to Disney World.  Don and I decided that it would be a perfect time to take Liam and show him all of the magic that Disney has to offer.  I now know why people plan these trips for years, there is so much to it.  Where to stay, eat, what parks to go to.  I can't tell you how much research I have done over the last few months.  It has definitely taken on a life of its own, but it will be well worth seeing the reaction that Liam has to visiting Mickey's house (as he is calling it).  We are so excited to go on this trip as a family and to have this experience with each other.  

As of last week, I have completed six of the 14 treatments that have been scheduled for me. I cannot believe we are coming up to the halfway mark already.  While it seems like it has taken forever to get to this point, it has also felt really quick.  I am happy to share that my doctor is very impressed with how I am handling the chemo, most people who do this regiment only last 6 or 8 cycles before they have to quit because of the toll it takes on the body.  I am clearly the exception to that rule because after six cycles I am actually feeling really great.  I will say that I still have terrible mouth sores and am way more fatigued that "before" cancer but other than that I am feeling really great.  I know that I am very lucky and that most people on this regiment cannot say that, please know that I do not take that for granted. I go in for my next three day treatment on July 20th, hopefully that will go quickly unlike last week did for me.  

I also want to share that The James Cancer Hospital Sarcoma Clinic that I am being treated at will be hosting the 6th Annual 2015 Steps for Sarcoma Walk/Run on Sunday, September 13, 2015.  I hold this event very near and dear to my heart, 100% of all funds raised will go directly to The James Sarcoma Clinic and research doctors that are treating me and who are trying to find a cure for all sarcoma cancers that effect so many adults and children all over the world.  If you would like to participate in the event and join our team, Maggie's Madhatters we would love to have you!!  For the event we ask that all participants wear their craziest hat to show support for Sarcoma Awareness!!  Please see the link the below for further information and to register.  

2015 Steps for Sarcoma Walk/Run Registration

**If you are coming in from out of town to participate in the run/walk please email me and let me know the names of all registrants so that we can pick up registration packets the week of - Email:  maggiesmadhatters2015@yahoo.com**

If you are unable to participate in the event please consider making a donation to this cause. I have setup up a team fundraising page for the event.  My team goal is to raise at least $1,000 with the hopes that we can exceed and blow past that number because Team Maggie's Madhatters Rock!!! 

Maggie's Madhatter's Fundraising Page
I thank everyone who takes the time to either participate or donate, your kindness means the world to me, Don, Liam and Sadie.  We love you all very much and don't know what we would do without each and everyone of you during this fight!!

On that note I leave you all with this:
  
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” – Ambrose Redmoon

I ran across this quote the other day and thought that it was very appropriate to apply it to what I have been going through these last eight months. Every day I have friends, family and even strangers tell me how brave and courageous I am fighting this cancer and how they couldn't even being to think how I deal with this everyday.  Well I will tell you, everyday, I wake up and put on a brave smile for my family, friends, those strangers of the world, even though I am terrified each and every day since my diagnosis. However, even though I have that fear and I had my dark days at the beginning of this I have consciously decided to live my life like each day like it will be the last.  Time is a gift, a gift that I like most people took for granted every waking day.  I know that life that isn't guaranteed for anyone, you can could be perfectly healthy, walk outside and get hit by a bus, but having the "c" word held over your head puts life and how you live it into perspective.  Before my diagnosis I know that I was always worried with what people thought of me and how people perceived me.  Thinking like that, I had a lot of self doubt about myself and the things I could do and accomplish.  I also know that I hid those thoughts and feelings well from most people in my life, in a way this cancer diagnosis has helped me a lot to get over these thoughts and feelings.  I don't dwell on what others think and feel about me, and I don't care if someone thinks I can do something or not.  I am here to live my life with the people that I love and that love me.  I know it will sound weird to a lot of people but in a way, cancer has made me a much stronger person than I was eight months ago.  I have a lot to be thankful for in my life and I have made promise to myself to live my "new" life to the best of my ability and in the most positive ways that I can.  

An Overwhelming Thank You!!

It has been just about six months now that we have been living in this "Cancer World". While, it feels like a million years already, it is still just a blip of time in my young life.  Over these whirlwind six months I cannot begin to even tell you how much support, prayers/thoughts, well wishes, kind words, help, gifts, meals, love and friendship we have received.  This means the world to me and my little family, I guess it really is true what they say, you don't really know the impact you have on other people until you are in a situation that you need their support and love.  We are so thankful and will continue to be thankful every day of our lives for all that you do.  With everything going on and how busy life is in the "Cancer World", I know that I haven't able to reach out to each person individually but please know that Don and I are incredibly indebted to each and everyone one of you.  

Before my third treatment we were able to have some pictures taken by a wonderful photographer here in Columbus.  She did a wonderful job and we are anxiously awaiting the final photos, she did give us a few as a sneak preview.  These came out great considering Liam did not want to cooperate at all that day, but such is life with a three year old. However, as you see below we are a pretty cute bunch and will cherish these photos for a long time to come.  

I have now officially completed three of 14 treatments with the fourth on the very near horizon.  I am still very lucky that the side affects haven't been too bad.  I did have a couple of days of feeling queasy but I feel great considering the toxic drugs that are coursing through my body :).  The two side affect that is getting me right now with no end in sight are the irritation in my mouth and the chemo brain.  I don't necessarily have open mouth sores but it feels like my mouth is continually scorched by hot coffee, which throws my taste off so much that eating is not really fun anymore.  However, it does give me an excuse to eat all of the popsicles, ice cream and smoothies I want :).  The chemo brain is the worst, I am college educated woman and most of the time now I feel like a complete idiot.  I forget what objects are called or forget what I am saying halfway through a sentence.  This is the best because then I just stand there with this dumb look on my face and all I want to do is laugh because it is so idiotic that me of all people is rendered speechless.  I had heard rumors from people about chemo brain but never did I imagine it would be this bad.  I am also doing my best to avoid infection, it has helped that it is getting warm and we are out of flu season.  
Giving a sneak peak to what is coming up in the next few months, after my fourth treatment cycle I will be going in for my first set of scans post treatment.  Now, I am both anxious and terrified by this.  Anxious, because I want to see how this chemo is affecting the disease with the hopes that it is doing its job and shrinking the three tumors that are in my body and also keeping and additional disease at bay and not letting anything else grow.  This is the ideal situation but I am also terrified because it is just as likely that the scans will not come back with the ideal situation.  With how complex and aggressive this cancer is I am so scared that the scans will show more growth which means the chemo is not working.  I know this is the worst case scenario, but I guess that is why they call it "scanxiety".  

In recent weeks, I have been fortunate to virtually meet a few adults and/or their caregivers who have DSRCT.  We adults who have this are a rare breed and very few and far between. I can't say that it excites me when someone comes out of the woodwork with this, but it gives me comfort to know that I am not the only one going through this.  While I know I have a ton of people who surround me and support me in this fight, most of the time it is isolating and lonely.  I feel that it is a huge task to ask someone who is not going through this cancer or any cancer really to relate with how you are feeling and what you are going through.  It really has helped me mentally to talk with others who have this because most of the time in the "real" world I feel like I am a person looking in from the outside. I just hope that I have helped them in their daily lives, even if it something small, like being the new friend who can relate to their feelings.  I know how I feel on a daily basis and if I can help someone else avoid those feelings then I have accomplished something.  Talking with these few people has shown me that I am not the only who puts on a brave face each and every day but in reality is terrified beyond belief.  It is comforting to know that there are others out there, because it is easy to feel like the only one while battling this cancer.   I really just wish there was an easy way to meet these people in person, but this disease is cruel and seems like it never wants to show up in the same place twice.  We are all spread out, all over the country and even Canada.  I guess being able to talk on Facebook is better than not being able to talk at all. 

As I look to the future, I plan on doing as much as I can to bring DSRCT into the spotlight.  I will be participating in an event this coming September that The New James Sarcoma Clinic puts on.  It is called Steps for Sarcoma, this is a walk/run that is taking place on on September 13th.  I am in the process of putting together a team and fundraising page for this.  All donations and proceeds go directly to the Sarcoma clinic at The James so that my doctors can find cures for sarcomas.  I know that the medical technology may not be available for my cure but if there is anything I can do to help people in the future I will do it and this is where I will start. 

A great song for a great fight!!
Fight Song by Rachel Platten

Cancer Is A Full Time Job

So my entire life now revolves around cancer and each day becomes a more in depth episode of of "TMI" on Maggie's daily symptoms and activities.  I have noticed that the conversations between me and my amazing husband get sexier and sexier with each passing day, how are my bowel movements, do I feel like I need to throw up, did I wake up with a hemorrhoid, etc., etc..  I know, right??  I am only 31 years old, I though these conversations with your significant other only happened when you are old, wrinkled and 90 but nope they happen when you have cancer.  I thought that having a baby and talking about baby poop all day made me have no shame, nope cancer definitely wins!!   I know that along with my wonderful husband and certain amazing friends and family members these conversations have come up to certain extents and I appreciate all of them as they listen contently while I bitch about the maladies that I encounter. Throughout these last five months I have really found an awesome support system and I love each and everyone of them dearly for it.  

My latest treatment last week went pretty good, I can't say that I love being cooped up in the hospital for 5 1/2 days.  Trust in me that it is no where near as exciting as a great five night, six day trip to the Bahamas you can win on The Price Is Right (I watch so much of The Price Is Right, in fact I watch it everyday) but the nursing staff and the doctors are amazing, they make sure that I am as comfortable as possible, even though it doesn't take much for that to happen right now and happy for that fact, just a pair of fuzzy socks and some comfy stretchy pants.  I don't yet need the massive pain killers or sleep aids that some need on the floor to live day to day, I am very lucky on that front and do not take that for granted.  Don and Sadie still gets to come up to the hospital each that I am there because he is still on paternity leave, he will be going back the middle of May.  I am not sure how I yet feel about that but I am sure it will be hard when the day comes when I am cooped up with no daily companion, but hey the man's gotta work!! 

Next up, the food, it isn't completely terrible but the variety is severely lacking through nutrition as they call it, one can only eat a chicken and cheese quesadilla so many times before you never want to see Mexican food again, just kidding, I could never hate Mexican food.  One of the good things about the food at The New James is that it is just like room service, you order and it gets delivered.  Three times a day I get to feel just like royalty when the very young (like 12 year old young) server brings it to me, it's like I am in the Dark Ages :).  One of the great things though about the James is that it has the only Au Bon Pain in I think the whole state and they have the best Peach Iced Tea, this is a luxury that I do indulge in on pretty much a daily basis.  I don't know what I am going to do when Don does go back to work, I may have to bribe one of the nurses to sneak down and get one for me each afternoon I am there.

Since getting released from my second treatment this past Saturday it has been going as good as it can be. The doctor/nurse decided to put me on a more strict anti-nausea medication regiment to get ahead of the nausea this time instead of waiting for it to happen.  Clearly, that did not work for me after the first round.  That is what I like about this new doctor, he doesn't pussyfoot around when something doesn't work, he moves forward to find something that will work.  I have had a few side effects with this last round of chemo, the main one being mouth sores, they are less than desirable and really not pleasant at all.  It pretty much feels like my entire mouth was scorched with boiling hot coffee and it hurts to brush my teeth because my gums hurt too.  With this happening, my entire sense of taste has been thrown off and almost everything tastes funny or not like it should.  This doesn't bode well for the appetite, food has really been set towards the back of my brain this week.  I really just eat things because I know I need to keep my strength up.  I know this doesn't seem like such a big deal but it just shows how much cancer rules my life.  I can even enjoy the food and drink that I have enjoyed for most of my life, I realize now how much I have taken great food and drink for granted.

There was another determination made by the doctor last week, it is one that I thought might be coming but until they actual said it I guess I could pretend that this all wasn't happening to a certain extent.  I am really sad to say that I will not be going back to work at the beginning of May like originally planned once my maternity leave is up.  After discussing with the doctor/nurse what my work environment is (hotel industry) they determined that the work environment would not be safe for my health or well-being at this time.  It has been decided that I will be out of work for the next year so that I can complete all of my chemo treatments and any additional that may be added on and also possible radiation and additional surgeries needed to get me back to good working order.  I know many of you must be thinking, "Alright, no work for a year that would be great!!".  I get it, no one actually wants to work but in my case I had finally found a great job at a great place with some of the greatest people I have ever met and now that has all been pulled out from under me.  It's not fair and I am sad and angry about it.  The last year and half had been the most fulfilling time in my career that I have ever had, I worked under and with some very talented people in the hospitality industry here in Columbus and had and was learning so much to further my career.  I am very appreciative that I was given the opportunity by two wonderful women who I look up to for so much in this industry, they gave me a great opportunity and I was able to expand my knowledge and talent working for them.  I was also able to make some really great friends, this is the sad part of not working. I will not get to see their faces on a daily basis and just have that every day contact that I learned to love so much!!  This is why I love these people so much!!!

So as I move forward in this journey I have a new full time job, Cancer and even more so BEATING Cancer! This next year I will focus on my treatments, this fight and Kicking Cancer Butt!!  I know it isn't the ideal way to spend a year of life, but this is the hand I have been dealt and I fully intend to make the most of it.  I will spend every day enjoying and loving my family, living each day to the best of my ability on that particular day and also paying it forward to others who may or may not be in the same situation or equally as crappy situation.  I will make the most of this and not take for granted the time that has been to me.  I know there are a lot of people who are in my situation who are not given the same opportunity, that being a chance to fight.  

I leave you with some words from an amazing song and amazing musician!


Well, I won't back down
No, I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down

No, I'll stand my ground, won't be turned around
And I'll keep this world from draggin' me down
Gonna stand my ground and I won't back down

(I won't back down)
Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
(I won't back down)
Hey, I will stand my ground and I won't back down

Well, I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

(I won't back down)
Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
(I won't back down)
Hey, I will stand my ground
(I won't back down)
And I won't back down

(I won't back down)
Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
(I won't back down)
Hey, I won't back down

(I won't back down)
Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
(I won't back down)
Hey, I will stand my ground
(I won't back down)
And I won't back down
(I won't back down)
No, I won't back down


Songwriters: Lynne, Jeff / Petty, Tom

Everything All At Once

It has been about 2 months since my last post, but I assure you a ton has happened over this time.

First, we had the honor of welcoming Sadie Glenn Butler to our little family at 2:04pm on February 17, 2015.  She weighed in at 7lbs. 6ozs. and was 19 3/4" long.  Liam was super excited to meet his new little sister.  He is amazing with her.  

We were able to enjoy a few uninterrupted weeks with both of our kiddos before the world of cancer retook out lives.  My chemo treatments began on March 16th with a 3 day stay at The New James Cancer Hospital.  There were a lot of emotions that came along with these new treatments starting.  I was sad to have to be away from home and Don, Liam and Sadie for so much time.  I was scared about how I would react to these new chemo drugs and what they were going to do to me.  I was frustrated that this whole "cancer" thing was happening to me and that it was taking me away from my new little girl!!!  Not fair!!!

The first VAC treatment actually went pretty well while I was in the hospital.  Don and Sadie spent most of each day with me.  Liam is still going to his sitter's as planned, we are trying to keep day to day life as normal as possible for him.  He was excited to visit me in the evening, he especially like to ride the "alligator" (elevator) to come visit mommy.  He is too cute sometimes!!

I was released on Wednesday, April 18th at around 6pm.  I was able to get home and had a good day and half before the cancer side effects rears their ugly head.  Friday afternoon the nausea and vomiting began, this lasted for about a day and half before I had to make my first trip to the ER, I was subsequently admitted to the hospital to get some IV anti-nausea drugs and fluid for dehydration.  I was in for about 2 days and then released.  I was home for about a day and half before my body decided that is missed the hospital sooooo much.  I was getting into what they call the neutropenic time frame, this is the time in which my white blood cell counts will drop dramatically in response to the chemo treatments. During this time I am at a significant risk for infection and that is just what happened.  I came down with chills and a fever of 100.5 (this is the fever threshold for cancer patients).  I called into my doctor and was instructed to go directly to the ER because my white blood cell counts were most likely non-existent, which ended up being the case.  This earned me an extra 4 day stay in the hospital to get fluids and antibiotics to kill off whatever gave me the fever and chills.  Luckily, my white blood cell counts rebounded a little quicker than normal and I was able to go home that Saturday.  

I do want to take a moment and side track for a second.  During my unexpected stay I was able to connect with a good friend who unfortunately is going through her own fight with this ugly word we call cancer.  Since all of you have given me so much love and support, your thoughts and prayers over these last few months I would like to ask that you do the same for my friend Christy Selby.  She is a person I admire not only personally but professionally.  I was lucky enough to meet her early in my career as an event manager and work with her periodically over the last 4 years.  She is an amazing person and my most favorite meeting planner in the whole world :).  It is unfortunate that either of us have to fight with this terrible cancer but we are both super strong and fighters so I know that we are both going to battle and fight the best fight we can!  

Last week ended up being a really good week plus it was nice to be home with Don, Liam and Sadie for an extended period of time.  Hopefully I can have more good weeks than bad and stay out of the hospital as much as I can.  We were able to have a great Easter with my cousins here in Columbus this past Sunday because of my wonderful family.  They provided us the same food that they were going to be eating for Easter breakfast and since Easter breakfast is my favorite holiday meal it made the day so much better.  The kiddos, Liam and Vera had a great Easter egg hunt outside.  It was a beautiful spent outside for a good majority of the time.  I do wish we were able to go home but since my second treatment started the next day we didn't want to have to rush around to get back to Columbus.  

I think after everything above this now brings us to present day, I am currently at The New James going through my second of 14 treatments.  This round is the IE portion of the chemo.  I alternate between the VAC and the IE.  The IE treatment is much longer.  I am in for a total of 6 days for this one.  It is not going so bad, no significant side effects other than some heartburn and bloating from all of the fluids, I have gained 9lbs. in 3 days, not fair, but the doctors said that it would come off quickly once I was disconnected from the fluids.  The time is going by pretty quickly and I am able to sleep better this time around but I think it's because this cycle of chemo is making me a little more tired than that last.  The nurses and CPA are amazing and taking great are of me, Don, Liam and Sadie when they are here with me.  I can't say enough good things about The New James Cancer hospital other than it is a wonderful facility and that it is so close to home, I know many people here can't say the same but it has helped that I am not really that far from my family when they are not here with me.  

I promise to update way more often that the last two crazy months.  Now that we are in a decent routine (or as decent as it can be in this crappy situation) I feel like I have more time on my hands.

Like always, I leave you with this:

“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have” – Cayla Mills

Oh and this, because I crack up every time I see it:

I Will Never Understand This World We Call Cancer

Well it's been a little bit since my last post but with good reason, this entire situation sucks and I just needed some time. I received a call from my oncologist two weeks ago this past Thursday, it was more of a courtesy, heads up call to inform me that the pathologist at OSU ran a last what I like to call the hail Mary test and finally determined the type of cancer I had. I was actually quite surprise and this caught me off guard, it really seemed like they were focused on this and we so close to confirm this as ovarian cancer. Well, I was finding out that this wasn't actually the case. I have officially been diagnosed with a Desmoplastic Blue Round Cell Tumor, a very rare soft tissue sarcoma. Now, please don't jump on Google and start a search, I learned my lesson very quickly with that gut reaction. You will find nothing good about this type of cancer on the internet, there is not a lot of medical literature because of how rare it is. The information that is out there is really just scary and quite frankly at this point I don't know where I stand with this new diagnoses. I am now seeing a sarcoma specialist at The James and we really can't move forward until this last chemo treatment gets out of my system and Miss Sadie joins us on February 17th. I currently have all new scans scheduled for February 27th (MRI, CT, and PET Scans), from there my new oncologist will be able to see what is going on in all parts of my body and assign me a specific stage (I, II, III, or IV - it is most likely going to be stage III from what was found during my initial surgery). My case will then be presented to the sarcoma panel at OSU to determine the official course of treatment. Since there is no standard form of treatment for this specific type of sarcoma, I will most likely be put on the course that is used to treat patients with Ewing sarcoma. This treatment course is much more intense from what my new oncologist said but he wouldn't go into details because he wants to get these new set of scans before we officially dive into that portion. So this is what I know as of today, nothing more and nothing less.

I can't tell you how frustrating, scary, and sad this has all been these last two and half weeks.  I feel like I had finally started to deal with the fact that I had ovarian cancer and now I feel like carpet has been ripped out from underneath me.  I am doing my best to stay positive but I haven't been this scared about anything in my life and right now it just seems impossible to think I will ever feel positive about this situation.  I know I am tough and I will fight this with everything I have but honestly I am scared out of my mind, there is no other way to put it.  All of these feelings on top of being super tired from chemo and being almost 37 weeks pregnant, the nausea, all of the aches and pains I have been having, it's no wonder that I have cried enough tears for an entire lifetime these past weeks.

I did have two great surprises this past week(end) however, all of my wonderful friends and co-workers were very sneaky and threw me a surprise "Baby Sprinkle" for Sadie on Friday at work.  I was completely caught off guard and had no idea that this was happening.  I love them all so much and cannot tell you how thankful I am to be surrounded by these people on a daily basis.  I couldn't be luckier and more thankful for each and everyone of them!!

Secondly, this past Saturday my wonderfully, amazing friend Heidi managed to plan a get together at our house with the majority of our friends from college.  I cannot even tell you the emotion that was running through my heart and head.  I was amazing that she was able to pull this off considering we haven't all lived in the state of Ohio together for many, many years.  To have everyone in the same house made me realize how much I miss all of them but it was so great that they were able to come so that we could spend this time together.  It has been far too long and it meant more to me than they will ever know that they all took the time and traveled from near and far to come together and surprise me.  It was like no time had passed other than all of the little rugrats running around the house have a great time together.  I haven't smiled that much in one day and I owe that all to a great friend with a great idea.  Thank you so much Heidi for putting that together!!!  

I leave you with a few words from a very wise woman. Until next time friends...

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. ~Eleanor Roosevelt

It's Just Hair...Right?

 My beautiful short hair - Thank you to my amazing sister in law for the great cut!!!

 Me and my boys trying out some head wraps the other night - Liam wanted him and Don to look like Mommy!!!  I love these two more than life itself!!! How cute is Liam in a bandana!!!

When I found out I had cancer I assumed that it would be a whirlwind of awfulness!  Trust me, it hasn't been all rainbows and sunshine but I can definitely say it could be worse.  I saw that first hand at my first chemo treatment.  

These last two weeks have actually been tolerable.  I have had a few minor side effects, like tingling in my feet and legs, some very mild nausea and I have noticed that I get tired more easily.  I also was able to go back to work last Monday, which was amazing!!  I know, who wants to work, but when the alternative is crappy daytime TV and moping around the house all day, work is definitely a great distraction and has definitely lifted my spirits.  Considering the amazing people I work with, it has been the best week out of the last eight weeks I have had.   I cannot thank them enough!  The support was amazing and more than I could have asked for.

I also did encounter the inevitable side effect this past Friday.  Two weeks to the day from my first chemo treatment my hair started to fallout.  I don't mean like one or two strands here and there but clumps all of the time.  It shocked me which was weird considering I have been expecting this since the chemo started flowing through my system.  I did have a few of my normal, "why me" cry sessions but I guess I wouldn't consider myself normal if that didn't happen.  So, after two days of my hair consistently falling out the decision was made that my loving, wonderful husband was going to get to do something that most women wouldn't even entertain their husbands doing...EVER!!!  He was going to shave my head.  Even though I have given myself what seems like a million pep talks since this whole ordeal began, and telling myself that it is only hair and it will grow back.  The finality of it and knowing that it was about to happen was really scary and to be completely honest, sad.  I can't tell you how many times in my life I have said I hated my hair and taken it for granted that when that razor turned on I wish I could have taken every single one of those times back to just have a few more minutes with MY hair.  As I sat in our garage and Don began I could feel my head getting lighter and by god, colder (how do guys do this all of the time), it was scary and quite frankly I didn't want to see a mirror within a mile.  After a few great Sinead O'Connor jokes and some amazing compliments from Don I got up and looked in the mirror.  Don kept saying that it looked great and that I had a great shaped head so that helped with the initial shock of the first look.  I can't say that I hate it but it is definitely weird to see myself with no hair.  I do have to that I have an exquisitely shaped head and it is not lumpy, YAY!  I also do look a lot like my little brother, he won't be able to deny that we are brother and sister now (insert evil laugh here).  Also, just so you all know that I have best husband in the world because he is currently upstairs shaving his head with a bic razor so that we can both be bald and so I don't have to do this on my own.  I love him more than I can express to each and every one of you.

Quite frankly, it is a scary thought that I do have to go out in the world tomorrow and actually see people but I do have my new faithful wig friend "Angelique", she's pretty sassy and will help me to feel normal in my everyday life and I also have my arsenal of beautiful and stylish head wraps and wear thanks to my wonderful Aunt and the ladies at Hope's Boutique! Now that it is all said and done I don't think that it is going to be so bad not having hair for a while. I know that it is going to be awesome to not have to use a blow dryer or curling iron every single morning and showering will be a breeze, I just have to look at all of the positives and it will go by in no time and hey, who knows I may just get my wavy or curly hair I have always wanted when I grows back!!  The big plus so far is that Liam thinks I look cool so that great, I was afraid he was going to be scared of me but he just likes to rub my head because it feels cool.  

Looking towards the future, I have my second treatment this Wednesday, January 21st and we are officially scheduled to have Sadie on Tuesday, February 17th at 1pm!!  YAY!!  After everything that has been going on it is exciting to have a day to look forward to and what better day than meeting your daughter for the first time.  We are very excited for her to join our little family and I cannot wait to have someone to grow hair with :)  

I leave you all with this picture so that you can see that it really is just hair, if I can be bald and still have a smile on my face you can get through anything.  Until next time friends...

What a Year This Will Be...

As most of you know, Don, Liam and I are expecting a wonderful addition to our little family next month.  Sadie Glenn Butler will be gracing us with her presences towards the middle/end of February 2015.  This was an amazing and wonderful surprise that we had been wanting for a while now.  Little did we know at the time that Baby Sadie would be come a very big blessing in disguise.  

What most of you don't know is that right around the time that we found out that we would be having a little girl, the doctors also happened to stumble upon a small mass in my right ovary.  At first, it seemed to be nothing but a common ovarian cyst.  However, a month later at the beginning of November 2014 that all changed.  We went back in for another ultrasound and found the the mass had grown significantly in a little less than a month.  The doctors decided it was time to do an MRI to see what was going on.  A week and half later I was squished into the smallest MRI machine at 6 months pregnant getting pictures of my insides taken.  That was uncomfortable to stay the least.  About 5 days later I was told that I needed to see a GYN Oncologist, because the MRI revealed that it was more than just an ovarian cyst.  I have never in my life been punches but this news was like what I imagined getting punched in the face feels like.  Knowing that I was pregnant and now possibly having a cancerous mass in my body, I felt completely helpless. 

The day before Thanksgiving Don and I went into meet my Oncologist (it is still surreal to say that).  This appointment would forever change my life and life of my family.  After going through the routine doctor checkup we were ushered into the doctors private office to discuss the findings.  This was when Don and I were told that there was a very likely chance I had some type of Ovarian cancer and that surgery was going to be necessary and it needed to be done as soon as possible.  Now this was an even bigger punch to the face than finding out the mass was more than just a cyst.  I didn't think that was possible.  The surgery part was even harder to hear for both Don and I because there was a little baby still growing strong in the area they needed to get at.  I know that we were both terrified but we both new that it had to be done because the alternative was not an option.  After going into the more detail with the doctor she was confident that the could preform the surgery and keep Baby Sadie inside to continue to cook.  I was skeptical at first, but she seemed very confident about her abilities and for some reason that made it seem we could do this.  It was decided then that the surgery would happen a week later on December 4th. 

After the longest week of my life and thinking of nothing else but cancer and "how are they going to keep this baby inside me", the day was finally here.  After checking in and going through Pre-Op I was finally in the operating room with the five teams of doctors and surgeons that would be taking care of me and Baby Sadie for next the few hours.  

Once the surgery was over I was awakened in the OR to find that they did indeed keep Baby Sadie safe and inside to cook for the remainder of her time and that they were also able to remove all parts of the tumor and lymph nodes that the tumor had affected.  This was also when we found that the tumor was indeed cancer, I was preliminarily diagnosed with Stage 3 Ovarian Cancer.  However, we would have to wait a few weeks to get the official pathology results back.  Knowing this and having this long recovery ahead of me I was in for what will now be the longest weeks of my life.  Just after Christmas 2014 I found out officially that I was being diagnosed with Staged 3 Cancer of an Unknown Primary.  I know, what the heck does that mean????  This means that even though the tumor was found in my right ovary, the cells of the tumor were not acting like ovarian cancer.  The two pathologist were not able to pinpoint the original origin of where the cancer is coming from.  This is actually a common diagnoses and basically at this point I have a lot of tests in my future to rule out the various types of cancers that do exist.  

It was also decided that I would start an aggressive form of Chemotherapy that would attack and kill any remaining cancer cells that could be hiding  in my body while we try and figure out what type of cancer I do have.  This chemo regiment will consist of six rounds, once every three weeks beginning January 2nd.  I know that the first round was two days ago and so far so good, but I am now just waiting for the inevitable side effects to start and also the hair loss.  The hair loss I am not so excited about but if this is what needs to happen so that I can get better and take care of my family then so be it.  The alternative is not an option!!  

I know that this is a lot to take in at first but I plan to keep all of you updated on this long road of recovery I have.  I just want everyone to know that I am a wife, mother, daughter, granddaughter, niece, friend and that I plan on being these things for a very long time.  I have a tough fight ahead of me and I plan on beating this because I have a lot of life left and I have two kids and an amazing husband that can clearly not function without me :).  

Thank you all so much for your support, prayers, help and kind words thus far.  I know more will be needed down the road and I don't know many times I can say thank you but if I have to say it a billion times I will.